Friday, August 15, 2008

Well....

Today is Friday and I had my checkup--everything seems to be back to normal pretty much. He told me to at least wait one full cycle to try again so everything has a good amount of time to heal completely.

I know in my heart that there was nothing I did that caused this, but I still asked him. Do you know what some people said to me---One person said, maybe I should have worn rubber gloves dealing with the lice, one person said, that because I am nursing it took too much away from the baby--HUH? There are a few others----and they stung pretty bad! I want to shout on the top of my lungs to everyone---I want my baby back---I was pregnant--I don't want to be back to normal--I want the baby that I had!!!!

I drove to the Doctor's alone--I put in some music--and I cried, I cried for what could have been--I cried for what I lost, I cried for what was mine for such a short time---I cried and I cried--the tears just fell--and it felt sooo good.

17 comments:

Swansong said...

Oh Julieann!

I am so sorry for the insensitive people that said such assinine things to you. You used mild things for the lice and nursing wouldn't have anything to do with it nor does tandem nursing. I don't nurse and even *I* know that. People are hurtful when they don't intent to be at times. I know in my life I have spoken and immediately inserted my foot in my mouth before.

I am glad you had your healing cry. I hope you will be able to heal on an internal level as you are ready to. We love ya missy and want nothing but the best for you. (Save the thoughtless comment people)

Tracy said...

I'm glad that you cried today. It's so good to let it all out rather than keeping the hurt in. Please try not to feel guilty. You did NOTHING to cause this. Praying for you, still.

Jodi said...

((Oh Julieann)), people say the stupidest things when one loses a baby. Don't doubt yourself. You are a wonderful mother!

God numbers our days before even one of them begins. Your precious darling lived exactly as long as God planned. Even knowing the loss would cause you great pain, God chose you and Kevin to be this wee one's parents. It is an honor to have such overwhelming love in your hearts for children that God trusts you with one whose days are so few and therefore all the more precious. God did not choose you to punish you, but because He deeply loves you and your wee one.

It takes time to heal emotionally. You miss your precious baby, and that is normal. Tears will most likely well up unexpectedly, and that is okay. Cry whenever and wherever you feel like it. And be happy when you feel like it ... that's okay, too, and nothing to feel guilty over.

Praying for you, dear friend. Gentle hugs.

deezie said...

Oh Julieann, Please dont' listen to what others are saying to you, unless they are loving kind words. You know that There was nothing you did, you know that in your heart. God has his timing for everything and he will bless you with a baby when its his best time. I am sorry you have to go through this, its one of the hardest things. I will be praying for you my friend.
deezie

Chrissy said...

Julieann -

My heart aches for (((you))). Just remember - there is no time limit for grief. I learned that from losing my Mom and Dad within three years of each other. Don't listen to the negative things people say. I don't think there's anything you did that caused what happened. It's just one of those things we won't understand until we get to heaven. My prayers are with you.

Chrissy

Ronda said...

Juliean,
I am so very sorry for the really unkind and mean hearted things that the extremelly ignorant people have said to you. Obviously they have no compassion or intelligence what so ever. That kind of thinking is prehistoric. You took good care of your little one, and loved it all the while. Just pray for these ignorant folks and try to go on.
I do think that your tears however, are a good thing. It's good to let it all out.
Love & Prayers to you,
Ronda

Beautifuly Created said...

(((((Juliean))))) I remeber all too well the horible things people can say when they are trying to be comforting. I had one lady tell me I wouldn't have wanted one of my babies anyway. Allow yourself a little time to grive everyday, what you lost was very real and will always be a part of you.
Mary Jo

Christine said...

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious child. I am sorry that so many have said such rude and callous things to you. Big hugs and please know that you are being prayed for.

Maria said...

Julieanne.

I am so sorry you have had such cruel things said to you. You did nothing wrong.

I am glad you had time to yourself to cry. I think those are steps in healing and grieving.

Big hugs and continued Prayers.
Maria

shelmund said...

Jules,
You know what I think and how I feel on the topic of such a sad and devestating loss. Pray for the strength to handle the ignorant comments and believe they were not said with the intent to hurt-Sometimes, people just don't know what to say. Let it go-

I am so sorry to hear you have been hurt in addition to the anguish of losing your baby. I am happy to hear you let your tears just come-continue to do that whenever you need to! You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! Love and hugs-Shelle

REAL ME said...

I pray for a blessing of comfort!

Jenn said...

Oh (((Julieanne)))
I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your baby. It's a difficult time and normal to grieve. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. People have a way of opening their mouths before thinking what they are going to say through. Forgive them for their stupidity so that you don't harbor bitterness that will only harm yourself. Your blog friends are here for you!

Hugs,
Jenn

The Adventures of Jing & Ying said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry for the insensitive things that people sometimes say.

I lost my daughter when I was 23 weeks pregnant. People made some insensitive comments, but the worst were the people who simply ignored me. I later found out that these people "felt bad and didn't know what to say to me, but it still stung.

I hope things get better for you.

Hugs,
Erica

Kelly said...

Julieann,

My heart just breaks for you. Nursing did not cause your loss, nor did lice meds. I am just so sorry and continue to pray.

CONNIE'S THOUGHTS FROM THE HEART said...

Dear, Dear Julieann, you go right ahead and cry, you have suffered a great loss. There is a time to mourn and then you can move on and know one day, you will see this little one again when you are in heaven. For all those who say things that hurt, it could be that they just don't know what to say and in their not understanding, don't realize the things that they say are touching a sore and broken heart. Just keep your ears tuned to God, He loves you and He can heal your broken heart. love you, connie

Kitty said...

Julieann, I am so sorry to hear the kinds of ugly things some people said to you. Who knows what gets into people??? The important thing is that you know the loss of your precious one was not preventable. I am so glad to hear that the doctor thinks you can try again after a full cycle!! I am continuing to pray for you.

Kathi said...

Oh Julieanne, I am so sorry that those people said such hurtful things to you. Do are such a good mother. You did nothing wrong. I am so glad that you want to be yourself on your blog. I'm so sorry you are grieving, but I am glad that the crying felt good. It is good to cry really hard like that. Jesus is so near to you. I love that verse that says, He keeps our tears in His bottle." I think it's found in either Psalms or Proverbs. He saves every tear. Hugs, Kathi